cracks-me-up
THIS IS SO ADORABLE OMG
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xo.
You talk about things being hard: Hard is thinking for a long time I’m not good enough for you, feeling like I am the worst human alive, feeling not beautiful anymore because you called someone else the most beautiful women. Hard is feeling everything you are and about work, but also being forced out of your own home, being away from my own baby cat, being away from you and having to stay in a house that doesn’t feel like home and deal with everything by myself. Hard is loving you, but only being offered a friendship and taking it because I love you so much I can’t handle losing you and I know it helps you. Hard is having to be nothing more than a friend and a fuck buddy, when we were once so much more and gave so much more. Hard is seeing your future dreams ripped away from you and trying so hard to re-build a new future dream, that doesn’t have you in it. Hard is going to sleep next to you one day and then waking up alone the next day in a bed that doesn’t even feel like mine. Hard is seeing the cat I raised for 9 years, slowly being taken away from me and into your arms. Hard is telling myself that I deserve more than just a “friendship”, but not being strong enough to actually cut the ties. Hard is having hope that by being your friend, eventually when you’re ready I’d the one still standing there. Hard is reading way into your messages like “things are suppose to be hard I guess. For a time” and seeing- for a time- and thinking this will work out eventually. Hard is looking at you and still seeing everything that we both shared and wanted with each other. Hard is not coming home to what I made into my little family. Hard is driving myself insane by constantly seeing where things kept going wrong with us and wishing things had gone differently. Hard is trying to remind myself that actually, you never actually knew what you wanted. Hard is realising, how easy it is to let go of people now, when I use to hold on to them so tight. Hard is wondering what is the point of me in your life now, when you don’t want anyone. Hard is being too scared to ask for you 3 weeks now, whether I should take the engagement and wedding rings, and the pearl purse and give them back to your parents and grandma when I see them. Hard is not having the heart to tell you that once one of us stops loving each other and we lose this connection, that this will no longer be the best sex we both have ever had. Hard is having the fear of going out, because I’d bump into your friends or someone who knew us and either they’d know or not, and if they didn’t they’d ask about us. Hard is having constant anxiety because I never know when I’m going to breakdown. Hard is having moments by myself and being completely ok, then realising I’m happy and then wishing you were there to share it with me or tell you about it. Hard is hearing you say “You can sleep with someone else you know, it’s not considered cheating” and remembering the last time you said that and how I didn’t sleep with anyone, yet lead us to our end. Hard is realising that, I don’t want to do life with anyone else but you. Hard is being terrified of any relationship with another man for the first time in my life. Hard is watching Netflix and wishing I was home, on the couch, with you and marshy to watch it with you guys. Hard is buying dinner everynight after work and going “home” alone to eat it, instead of cooking us dinner everynight and watching a movie. Hard is trying to look and be perfect for you, even when we’re not even together. Hard is buying books that you love, so once I’ve read it we can have an intellectual conversation about it, because you love that. Hard is having to actually see things for what they really are now and know nothing I do will change that.